It was a very Merry Christmas

I am now officially a size 10 in jeans!  Levi's.  Soooooo happy!  I am loving you, size 10!  As a former size 16, size 14 and for the longest, size 12, it feels wonderful to get to know size 10.  I will enjoy size 10 this year, and will just, for now, look over and wink at size 7/8.  Oh yes, we will get to know each other happily and well, size 10.

One more step to getting closer to being camera ready.  My hair is really long, and dark red brown (natural color) for now.  I plan to cut it to look healthy and get rid of any dead ends and go a lighter red.  I miss my lighter red.  We will see.

Meanwhile, I work on learning my lines for the new film project that will showcase me.  *giggle* SOOO excited! 

Took a sword class....that was exciting and interesting but rushed!  I will continue to observe and check in when I can well afford for gym classes, weaponry classes and whatnot.

drive....lose....weight.....

I look in the mirror and do not like what I see. I have let all that hard work go to waste. All that momentum, that drive, that energy, that promise. All gone. I could beat myself up. Or I can formulate a new plan and continue a workout for three times a week, that will combine cardio and weights.

I have got to drop my waist size to 29. That is the magic number, along with a size 8. Sheesh. Only then will I be considered camera ready. Losing weight is the big open secret in order to succeed in front of the camera. Talent is not enough. Presence is not enough. One must also not offend the camera eye. It's just the logical thing.

letting go and giving in and what to do with anger

I've done very little the past several months to keep up the hard work that I was so careful and dedicated to just months ago. Ever since I lost my job last winter, it's been a struggle to find the energy and dedication again. My credit card information was gotten into, and I had to replace everything and everywhere I paid with a credit card and reassess what should be continued and what shouldn't. Although I was advised I should continue with my workout, I could not justify the cost, especially when I started reading all the negative comments, in the majority, about the place that I had let myself be pressured to sign up for when two other former co-workers were looking to get people to go with them to the gym. I had fear, and that fear turned to anger.

When they started dropping off after a month or two, I continued to go, even if they claimed they had excuses, for example, one claimed she had a life. Suffice it to say, I was not the one who wanted to go and had let herself be pressured to join. It was not my idea nor was I looking to go every day or even every other day. A couple of days a week sufficed for me, but even this was no longer feasible for these two women who had started all of this gym joining b.s. They were tired, they said, they had this and that at home to deal with. Like my life was some easy candy dream.

So I figured I was going to keep going. It got lonely and I did not know anyone. And in the winter, the sun set earlier, which meant traveling in the cold dark downtown to a gym that was out of my way. You see, initially we were going to a gym that was on the West side so we could just jump on the bus that would stop right in front of our job and we would race, laughing, to catch the bus after punching out our timecard for the day. The bus would go crosstown and we would then get out and the train station was right there, and we would catch the train that left us on the same block as the gym. This was easier for the other two as they lived on the West side.

For me, it was to take that same train back and use the crosstown Shuttle train to get me to the East side, and then take another train home. But I did it without complaint and still got home faster than the other two did most times. Apparently this annoyed them as we would check in on each other by texting when one would make it to their home.

And so, after a couple of months, not even, they started having reasons why they couldn't go on a particular day, which I was easygoing about, I was sure there would be days I couldn't go so no big deal. Then it became every week. If one cancelled, the other said they couldn't make it. I would still go to the gym. "Oh, you're going to the gym?" they would ask. "I have to, we're making so much progress, can't stop now!" I would answer, with a grin. They would say "that's true" or shut up. I was getting results and I was on a roll, whether they would go or not I could not let that stop me. Or so I thought.

When it seemed clearly to become a cancellation habit, one night I started to slow down and ask myself, why am I on the corner waiting for a bus in the dark by myself going to a gym that I didn't even ask to join? Where is everybody? This is bullshit. And so....I went home and that was that. If we went once a week together, so be it. I was not really into going by myself and the whole point of joining the gym was so I would NOT be by myself, I would have incentive with a group or at least one other person. I was getting annoyed, and said we really needed to go more regularly. This was met with silence or resistence. After all, I was told, people had a life. I said I didn't ask to join, this was their idea.

I told myself this was the first and last time I would allow anyone to pressure me to sign up for something that I'd have to pay for. Total b.s. because this was supposed to be also sort of a team building thing, a trying to bond with others in the department kind of thing. And it was falling apart out of pure laziness. We were supposed to push each other, hence the group thing, and it was unsuccessful. I didn't want to cause a scene. I was still angry for letting myself be talked into something I was paying for that wasn't even my idea. To this day, nothing further was said about it. Yet there's something about money that destroys relationships, and this was no small matter. This was about creating a pact and they walked away with little consequence to them.

So now I'm back to square one. Although I kept at it a little bit for another month, I ended up sliding into doing nothing, getting stressed with the job, and then got let go. My body started to soften and then all my hard work had gone out the window. All my time. Gone. Never to be gained back. This also made it harder for me to push. I told myself I would work out at home. That was a joke. Doing some simple situps in the family living room was something I suddenly would not find the time to do, it was just not worth the fifteen minutes to do a hundred situps.

I had free weights that were gathering dust. My cousin hands one of the smaller weights I own to her aunt without even asking me if it's OK simply because her attitude was, well, YOU'RE not using them.

Writing this is angering me some but I don't know if it will spur me to take action and do something about my laziness. I write because I want to keep writing. Something in me will eventually kill that too. Shit.

back to the gym, tomorrow

Been putting it off and putting it off. Got to stop making excuses and go go GO. Got suggestion to put up some different looks on my virtual headshot/resume on a casting site, so decided it would be a good idea to show different looks. Got a slacker look, a beatnik look, ready and uploaded. Then thanked the advice being given, and submitted for some more work. One thing I'm learning, there's nothing wrong with listening to and heeding advice about your career from those who are in the business.

Feel very productive.

Realize I need to get down to a size 7-8. Dropped from 16 to 12 and holding. Gotta keep it going and don't give up the gym. Have to check schedule and get it going.

and so this coming week....back to the gym

Now that I have some free time on my hands, between the job hunt, I am going back to the gym with a bigger purpose. Must focus on my health and keep these limbs and body parts moving to my satisfaction. Burn off any excess energy and worry. That way I can feel accomplished and fall more readily to sleep when it's time for bed.

Right now it's about 5 in the AM and I am wide awake, worrying. Took a shower to dispel any negativity or worry going on in the brain and to relax me. Washed my hair, let water cover me and wash me from head to toe. It felt good to feel the water, smell the shampoo and soap, and be alive.

So I enjoyed that moment. And look forward to many more. Tomorrow it's going to have lunch with my dad and my cousin, and enjoy this holiday weekend as best I can. Stay overnight downtown before heading back uptown to get ready for what is turning out to be a busy week. By the following weekend, I'll be plenty tired but have gotten plenty done. Am trying my best not to think of any negatives, trying my best to stay positive and upbeat.

Things will come, good things will come my way. I just have to have some faith and believe.

Gym boo hiss

Joined gym. Yay. Joined with a couple co-workers for support. Yay. Went for two months fairly regularly, at least 3 times a week. Yay. Then weather got colder. Boo. The gym location we went to closed down and they rerouted us elsewhere, not too many gym locations for this franchise. Boo. Co-workers stopped coming, or claimed they had a life and were busy or tired. Boo. Going alone. Boo. Job demands have me wondering and worrying whether I will have a job next month let alone next week. Boo. Yet I'm still paying for the fucking gym. Guess what? Despite the weather, I'm going to have to step up and go. Fuck these lazy people. Fuck the job. Fuck these losers. I have to go and let go. A snow advisory is in effect. I'm going to bring gym clothes and sneakers and my lock just in case. If it does not get bad weather wise, I'm going to the gym.

I have to get back and get active and get focused. Get camera ready back on track.

starting to look at diet plans

Watching movies on a Saturday night. At home. Lights out, the only light from the t.v.

Tomorrow I'm going to cook a fabulous meal. Can't wait to do it. :-)

I'm going to keep focused on what I'm doing and invest in myself in order to get where I need to go.